-Mike

My bumper is broken!

This has got to stop! It really, really must just fucking stop. Who can I write a letter to? God? Mayor Villaraigosa? Honda? Should I ask them to make cars that people like to fuck up less?

Last night marks Incident Number 4 in under a year. I was only actually in the car for Incident Number 1, an accident where a clever man decided that, since he couldn’t actually see around the traffic, it was probably safe to make a left turn. For all other incidents, I was nowhere near my car. Incident Number 2, I was asleep in my bed. Incident Number 3, I was visiting mom. Incident Number 4, playing Oblivion.

I can find no common denominator here except my car. It always happened in a different place, during a different time of day, by a different type of person (family, neighbor, criminal). So, the only conclusion I can come up with is that it just must be my car.

Here is where you go for more on this topic.

College Humor has a different vibe than it used to when I was in college. They’re really keeping it up, I especially like their produced original content. It’s also good to note that the top ten lists on cracked.com are better than the magazine ever was:

http://www.cracked.com/article_16354_11-most-badass-last-words-ever-uttered.html

CAUTION: SPOILERS EVERYWHERE

So, the whole crew saw the new X-Files movie last night. I have been in a sort of X-Files vacuum until now; not wanting to see or hear anything about the movie until I actually saw it. You see, I am a HUGE fan of the show. And, when I say huge, I really, really mean it. I won’t go into declaring how huge, but just know that I hung on until the very end - until the very last disappointing episode of the 9th season. I even liked Doggett and Reyes. They were a poor substitute for what the show had been, though. But I digress. My point is that I loved that show until the bitter end and then I bought it on DVD - all of it.

The movie was released the same weekend as Comic-Con, thereby taking away about 100,000 members of its core audience. Why they would do that, I don’t know. Why they wouldn’t wait one more week and make some sort of awesome last-minute marketing push, I also don’t know, but I guess it’s too late for all of that. Under normal circumstances, I would have absolutely insisted that we see it opening day - if not at midnight. But I had the Con to go to, so I waited until Tuesday. I can’t image I’m the only one like me. Fox basically shot themselves in the foot that they had already had to chew off to escape from a claw-trap. They allowed their core audience to have an excuse to not see the movie on opening weekend, not only dropping the weekend totals, but also giving that audience a chance to hear from all their non-nerd friends about how bad the movie is. Good job Fox! Now, I know I am only talking about the nerds in Southern California that weekend - but there just happened to be 100,000 of us, for chrissakes! That’s a pretty chunk of change when your movie only grosses $10 million.

I did not set out to write a critique of Fox’s marketing skills; I had intended to review the movie. So, I will get on with the task at hand.

First of all, here’s what I expected from this movie: a really good monster-of-the-week episode. I expected our agents to be agents. I expected “I’m a medical doctor” Scully to perform an autopsy or two. I expected Mulder to be in a suit. I expected there to be flashlights. And I expected Scully to have red hair.

At least I got one of those things.

I guess they kind of wrote themselves into a corner in the last episode of the series. Mulder had to be in hiding; Scully had to leave the FBI; and then there were some helicopters blowing some shit up, which I still can’t quite piece together. Basically, the X-Files no longer existed and our agents were out of jobs. That kind of left a monster-of-the-week episode hard to do. But they tried anyway. And they failed. Miserably. This wasn’t even an X-File! It was a missing person. Yeah, sure, there was a guy who was claiming psychic visions, but he was no Luther Lee Boggs or Clyde Bruckman (both of whom were referenced in the movie). There wasn’t even a clear villain in this - or villainous power, as the case may be in some of the episodes. There was no clear explanation as to why the villain existed. Was he trying to beat cancer? That was alluded to. Was he just a sick puppy who liked to experiment? Was he an even sicker puppy who’s life-long dream was to have a woman’s body? And not just the fake kind that’s made out of an inverted penis and a bunch of hormones? And what did his child abuse have to do with it? Did it make him evil? Did it make him want to be a woman? Really! I’m really confused here!

And now, on to the Mulder-Scully relationship crap. Now, admittedly, I was always one of those girls that knew Mulder and Scully were meant for each other. I was always nervous about how they would handle it, but I just knew it was meant to be. Actually, it was. They loved each other and they didn’t have to kiss or date or fuck to prove it - until they did. Surprisingly, I liked how the show handled it. They just did it. They didn’t make a whole hoopla about Mulder and Scully kissing for the first time, or whatnot. Sure, they played with us a lot in episodes like “Small Potatoes” and “Triangle”, but when it came to the real thing, it was just done. One morning, Scully is getting ready for work and you realize she’s in Mulder’s apartment. Simple as that. Enough said. I felt like they tried to handle it similarly in the movie, too, but it didn’t quite work out. You get the impression in the beginning that they haven’t seen each other in quite a while; that Mulder is in hiding and Scully knows where to find him if she has to. You also get that impression when they kiss and she complains about his scratchy beard. Jump ahead a bit, though, and Scully is talking about their “home.” Did they decide to move in together at some point in the course of the movie? Did I just completely misunderstand the beginning?

As for character motivation, I thought Mulder was good, Scully was flawed. Probably the most annoying part of the film is where Mulder and Scully are in the hospital having the overly drawn-out argument about how Scully can’t follow him into the “darkness.” Blah blah. Mulder is obviously fine with a little investigative work. In fact, I’m reminded of the good old days when Mulder would get excited over exsanguinated cows. For some reason, Scully can’t do it. Why? Is it because she’s a stick in the mud? Lord knows. And her connection to the boy just didn’t work. I’m pretty sure we were supposed to have Scully and Mulder’s son William in mind the whole time, but at the very least, William was a few years younger than this kid and had supernatural powers (or did those go away at the end? Whatever.). Just because it’s a boy we’re supposed to draw this attachment to him? Is he Scully’s only patient? That seems odd, right? Also, Scully the medical doctor did all of her stem cell research on Google the night before a procedure? Really? I tried to rationalize it by theorizing that she was actually pulling together a bunch of literature for the parents to look at, but I really don’t think that was it.

Next, I want to pick on the writing, which was terrible. Now, Frank Spotnitz has written some good episodes of the show, as has Chris Carter, so it wasn’t impossible for them to crank out a good script. But why not go with the best?

Topic Number One: iPhones!
When last I posted, I was very excited about getting a new iPod Touch. What I really wanted was an iPhone, but it just wasn’t in the cards for me with it’s high price tag and my T-Mobile contract. Well, the end of my contract came and went. By the time I got to the expiration, I was kind of over it. Oh, the desire, the want was still there, but the need was gone. So, I waited till Christmas when mom and dad came through! I felt really bad leaving T-Mobile, they had been pretty good to me over the years, but I wanted this gadget more than I felt like being loyal to a phone company. That’s just how it goes, I guess.

”
This is the first picture I took from my iPhone and uploaded to Facebook. I’m so fuctional!

So far, so good! There is still a place in my life for the Touch, but the iPhone is king. In the PlasmaSplasm household, we have encountered a new problem, however: addiction to WordWarp. One of the many downloadable games available through the App Store, Mike initially played very casually, just to kind of kill some time every once in a while. Then, I got it and started playing it every so often. And this is where things get a little crazy. Mike asked me what my high score was. A little embarrassed because Mike is always better at games than I am, I prefaced my score by saying that he had been playing so much longer than I had, etc. and asked him what his score was. I forget what the exact number was, but it was in the range of 2500. Well, now I was really embarrassed as I revealed mine to be 5420. As you can imagine, Mike was not happy about this and all-out war was declared. Mike eventually beat me with 7060, but then I came back with 7510. The battle continues.

Next time on PlasmaSplasm, I will address Topic Number Two: Xboxes!

Ces, Will, Mike and Brooke haven’t been posting for a long time!

Cesare is still working at UA: he can’t blog or else the ceiling knives descend on him.

Mike is still working at FOX: he can’t blog, but he does twitter:
http://twitter.com/lasertag

Will is still at school, learning how to light things up. He’s a fireman. No, he’s a cinematographer at AFI, whatever the fuck that means.

Brooke…has no excuse. She doesn’t blog because she is lazy. A lazy english major? Yes. You can learn more about her from what she watches instead of blogging:
http://www.thedailyshow.com/

I’m sure that there will be some shakeup, and someday we’ll get back to blogging. Sorry, everyone* who reads this!

*nobody.

We may not post, but we also aren’t going bankrupt like the Tribune. HA.

But then there was the magic price-drop. At this point, I was filled with excuses: I like buttons; I like my pink flip phone; I can’t just throw an iPhone in my purse; I like one-touch dialing; my RAZR has internet, too, bitch!; and so on. Mike even repeatedly offered to just buy me one. But I said no. It wouldn’t be worth it because not only was the plan more expensive, but I just plain old didn’t want one.

And then, one inexplicable day, I needed one! I chalk it up to reaching some sort of iPhone saturation point. But there it was, I didn’t even deny it. I WANTED AN iPHONE and I wasn’t afraid to say it.

Now, there was just one thing standing in my way: my contract with T-Mobile.

God dammit! Why do they have to do this to me?! All I want is an iPhone and I literally can’t have one because I didn’t buy my last phone long ago enough. So, yeah, I have to wait until frickin’ August before I can get an iPhone.

In the meantime, I really wanted to take it with me on my two-week trip to Italy with the family that is taking place in June. Ug! Just think of all the cheap e-mailing and map looking-up I could do if I had an iPhone while I was there! I quickly started thinking of alternatives and trying to rationalize spending an extra $200 so I could get out of my contract three months early. The best solution to me seemed to be the iPod Touch. It had all of the features that I really wanted and I wouldn’t have to pay a dime for a plan! Awesome! The only glitch was that I could only use those features where WiFi was accessible. That’s not so bad, I thought. Most of our hotels have WiFi anyway. This could really work!

Mike’s response to this plan: “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard! You’re stupid. Just take the PSP I bought you. It does all that shit. Now shut up and stop having stupid ideas!”

I guess. I never really believed him about the PSP, but I kind of forgot about it. I mean, I’ve been to Italy a bunch of times an never had and iPhone to use. It would be just like that and I’d make do.

Then, one evening, I came over to the Splasm household because we were all about to go to a party together. Mike asked me to wrap the birthday presents, since I’m so good at it. I looked at the two black boxes sitting on the table. One was a fancy bottle of liquor and one was an iPod Touch.

“You got him an iPod?” I asked, somewhat incredulous.
“Yeah! Ces and I did!” Mike enthused, so proud of his gift.
“Really? An iPod?”
Ces wouldn’t look at me.
“Yeah!” Mike beamed.
“Alright. Where’s the paper?” And I started to rummage through the rolls of wrapping paper.
“You don’t have to wrap it, we can just hand it to him, or something.”
“You plan on walking into a party and just handing the guy an iPod? Don’t you think that’s a little crude? I’m going to wrap it.”
“No, no! Stop!” Mike said. “The iPod’s for you!”
I freeze. Mike and Ces crack up and I stood there frozen.

So, yeah, I have an iPod Touch now. And you know what? It’s awesome! That’s right! I said it! I love my iPod Touch! I take it with me everywhere! It comes to work, it comes to bed, it comes to the store (because you never know where there’s a free WiFi signal just waiting for you to snatch it up!). I wake up in the morning and I check my e-mail; I go to bed and I take one last look at the news before I toss it in my purse. And yes, I can do that because I bought a pretty pink case for it. In the past, we would all sit around the the TV, Mike checking the Cubs score on his iPhone, Ces reading Chud for the fifth time that day on his iPhone, and me actually watching whatever was on. Now, I can be reading Reddit instead of watching TV! Yaaay!

Now, does this mean that I’m done? That I don’t need the iPhone anymore? No way! It just means that (a) until I can get out of my contract, and (b) iPhone 2.0 comes out, I am a completely happy girl! The end.

Okay, so the days at South Park started feeling longer and longer… so I cashed in my change and bought me a kindle. It helped that I had a $50 amazon giftcard sitting around, and it also helped that I talked myself into it.

I don’t know how it happened! Usually I only get nonsense-excited over gadgets when it has an apple logo emblazoned on it. The kindle doesn’t even LOOK like an apple product, it should have no sway over me!

And yet, if it does all it claims to…I can’t help it.

For more on what a loser I am, continue reading.

I don’t have the Plastic Book in my hands yet, but it should be arriving on our doorstep in a couple of days. Then I have some time to try it out and decide if I’m going to keep it, or send it back to the amazon factory from whence it came.

I’ll write up a little thing about it after it’s been thoroughly fondled and tested. Ces and Brooke are going to be happy to stop hearing about it: I’ve been including them in the pain of my lack of patience while amazon has been making them.

On the up side: people who ordered them six weeks ago are just getting them, as are people who ordered them a couple days ago. So at least you can actually try the device within a week now, which is better than before.

Here’s a link to the amazon page, feel free to roll your eyes or ooh and ah as is necessary.